bird by bird

"It's three o'clock on a winter morning, foggy, the roads slick with ice. You turn in the bed, away from the man and his thick arms, his muscled chest, the wrists powerful from days spent with hammers and saws. You open your eyes and begin to calculate each of the moves it would take to get you out of here: the flip of he blankets, the swing of your legs onto the floor, the search for your clothes crumpled on the chair by the desk, gathering those clothes in your arms and tiptoeing over the creaking planks to pull them on in the other room--the boyfriend muttering from his side of the bed, or not making a sound, his eyes tightly closed, his head twisted away. And then the search for your purse, your shoes, your keys, your coat, standing with all these things by the doorway, trying to decide whether or not to say good night... ...Just the thought of it exhausts you, and when you contemplate even the first of these moves--the turning back of the covers--you realize the imp...

 TB let me borrow her Sex and the City DVD's. I'm calling it research. Then I saw that MC posted this quote on facebook. I don't think it's a coincidence. "Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are.. always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away." -Carrie Bradshaw ‎

Brooklyn Bound , The Black Keys New York, New York , Ryan Adams Brooklyn We Go Hard , Jay-Z ft. Santagold New York City Blues , Yardbirds New York State of Mind , Billy Joel Only Living Boy in New York , Simon and Garfunkel Bright Lights , Matchbox 20 New York , Cat Power New York Serenade , Bruce Springsteen There's a Boat Dat's Leavin' Soon for New York , Ray Charles and Cleo Laine Autumn in New York , Billie Holiday Empire State of Mind , Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys I Love New York City , Andrew W.K.  Chelsea , Counting Crows  I Love New York , Madonna I Feel Safe in New York City , AC/DC New York, New York , Frank Sinatra

Isn't this freakin' awesome?? I wish I had a giant poster of this to put in my room (and hide behind the door so my mom couldn't read the F-word).

"The birds laugh loud and long together When Fashion's followers speed away At the first cool breath of autumn weather. Why, this is the time, cry the birds, to stay! When the deep calm sea and the deep sky over Both look their passion through sun-kissed space, As a blue-eyed maid and her blue-eyed lover Might each gaze into the other's face." Ella Wheeler Wilcox, The End of Summer

DP introduced me to this song (it played when MR, now MC, walked down the aisle), and I think it is beautiful. Thanks DP and congrats Mr. and Mrs. C!

"Sometimes it's like someone took a knife baby, Edgy and dull and cut a 6-inch valley Through the middle of my skull At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet And a freight train running through the middle of my head Only you can cool my desire." --Bruce Springsteen, "I'm On Fire" I have always had a headache. It started one day in the 4th grade and never stopped. There are days here and there when I enjoy temporary relief, but more days are ruled by headaches than are not. This isn't true, of course, but it feels like it sometimes, especially lately. My head really hurts. So, I went to the doctor today hoping that science would do me a favor, for a change, and present me with a cure.  The nurse asked me to rate my pain on a scale from 1 to 10. I hate when they ask that. I resisted the urge to say, It hurts enough that I'm here. I said "8." Then the doctor came in. He poked and prodded and then tried explaining to me what ha...

KELOLAND.com | Remembering Megan

I am currently OBSESSED with Bollywood music.. OBSESSED. Manisha, my Indian student this summer, burned me a CD, and I blast it in my jeep on a regular basis. Not only is the music exhilarating, but check out this dancing. I want to move like they move. 

Early Friday morning, I woke up to a 7:00 phone call from Mr. Anderson, the Vermillion Middle School principal. He needed a substitute teacher.. for 8th grade... science class... on the Friday of homecoming. And for a reason that I'm still trying to explain, I said "Sure!" It was awful. I hate 8th graders and they hate me. The day started with a school assembly and pep rally. I didn't know where the gym was, who my students were, or  who I was subbing for. And I was the only person in the entire school who wasn't wearing red.  Then it was time for class. I assumed that since it was a sub-day and the Friday of homecoming, I would be responsible for popping in a Billy Nye video or handing out some worksheets. Instead I fumbled by way through 7 periods of attempting to teach about high and low-mass star life cycles.  It was joke. I was a joke. I heard two kids on my left calling me "Lightbulb." I saw a football fly through the air. Then I heard tw...

OK, Mrs. Bennet.. I get it!!

As an EMT, you are at war with death. Collateral damage is inevitable. And sometimes, in the middle of the battle, you wonder why we fight at all. On a sweet spring morning, I am struggling to push a Combitube down the throat of an elderly woman when I glance up to see her husband, silent and teary eyed in the corner, and I wish we hadn't been called at all. I wish he had simply put the phone down and held her hand as she died. Instead we push back the little wooden table where their coffee cups still rest, and we tear at her clothes, poke and prod her, shock her weary  heart, strap her to a plastic board and scream away, and she will die anyway. The first time you press on the chest of an elderly person, the ribs separate from the sternum, popping like a string of soggy firecrackers. There are times when rescue is nothing more than organized physical assault. Sometimes I wish we would just leave people be, let them slip quietly over the vale. Sometimes life is not ours to save. F...

Something humiliating just happened. She's not making me feel better. Clearly, Emily has never considered me her favorite cousin. Yes, we are sitting on toilets.. outside.. while eating pulled pork sandwiches...

For those who need a job, have lost their job, can't find a job, or are interviewing for a job tomorrow at say, 8:50AM:  Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  It's going to happen and it's going to be great. And when it does, I'll be here to celebrate. Good luck friends!!

I have to write three short-shorts for my Non-Fiction class tomorrow. I have been dragging my feet all week and just now came on my blog for some inspiration. I thought that maybe I would find a piece that I could tweak or I would be prompted to think of a fresh new idea. Instead, I am just more overwhelmed and insecure about the stuff I come up with. "I can't believe you wrote that Amanda--embarrassing." Now instead of wanting to write the next American novel, I want to delete this whole blog, throw away all of my pilot G2 pens, and take an 8 day shower. And how ironic is it that right now I am having no trouble writing about how I can't write, but I can't actually write?!?! I feel like I need a different kind of Corona....

So I'm looking for apartments in NY on Craigslist and I found this one. What do you think?? Generosity and loyalty are two of my best qualities. And, of course, being submissive.. FREE RENT FOR A SUBMISSIVE GIRL IN NEED (Williamsburg) Ok before I have a flood of emails from people that hate what I am doing all I can do is say I am sorry if this concept offends you, so we know this isn't for you. what I offer is plain and simple. I am looking for a submissive girl that just wants to take a break from paying rent and bills, or is trying to save up money for what ever reason. I have a room in a big loft that is empty right now. it has a huge loft bed and a large wardrobe. it is private and only for you. all I ask from you is your generosity and loyalty. I have done this before so I am patient and kind, and a lot of fun. so if you are a tourist from another country visiting NYC and want to save money then this will work out for you or just a person who needs a plain old ...

I've spent the last 7 years inside books reading about the world around me. I'm ready to put down those books and go see it for myself. 97 days until graduation!!

It's a Friday night, and I'm spending it home alone with a frozen pizza and a redbox movie. It sounds cliche, but whatever. At the heart of every cliche is a kernel of truth; I just decided. Anyway, I'm probably going to put on a face mask, paint my nails, and cry to a Jewel album. So sue me. I don't care what you say; I LOVE this movie! She: But maybe he called me and I didn’t get the message. Or maybe he lost my number, or was out of town, or was hit by a cab, or his grandma died. He: Or maybe he just didn’t call because he has no interest in seeing you again. She: Yeah, but my friend Terri once went out with this guy who never called and she totally wrote him off—and then like a year later she ran into him— He: Your friend Terri’s an idiot. And she’s the exception. She: But what if I’m the exception? He: You’re not. You’re the rule. And the rule is—if a guy doesn’t call you, he doesn’t want to call you. She: Really? Always? He: ...

This is hell, apparently I'm reading about the apocalypse in my Medieval Seminar. Not really uplifting stuff, if you ask me. Or even all that interesting. Good people go up, bad people go down. End of story. And now it's getting late, and even I'm not even half way done with the book, I've decided to give up and surrender to my sheets. Bedtime. Bring on the nightmares, baby!

A few times in my life I've had moments of absolute clarity, when for a few brief seconds the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I have lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present, and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be.  -- A Single Man

I had a good weekend, last weekend. On Friday night I met up with some friends in Sioux Falls. Some are present friends, some college friends, and one was a high school friend. They knew me at various stages of me being Amanda, but at one point in the night I wondered, "Do any of them know me now?" I am confident that at least some of them do. It was confirmed on Friday that I do, in fact, have some sort of curse that keeps me away from the people I want to see, and shoves the people I want to avoid in my face at the most inopportune times. Like at that bar that night, when I thought I had cheated fate by finally standing next to a good friend after 7 years of living 50 miles apart and never running into each other. My friend was back, and it was weird but it was nice. And just when I thought, "Hey, about time those darn stars align," I looked over and saw the two I dread seeing. Maybe not dread, but certainly avoid. And that's exactly what I did. "You...

"Writing and reading decrease our sense of isolation. They deepen and widen and expand our sense of life: they feed the soul. When writers make us shake our heads with the exactness of their prose and their truths, and even make us laugh about ourselves or life, our buoyancy is restored. We are given a shot at dancing with, or at least clapping along with, the absurdity of life, instead of being squashed by it over and over again. It's like singing on a boat during a terrible storm at sea. You can't stop the raging storm, but singing can change the hearts and spirits of the people who are together on that ship." --Anne Lamott (Bird by Bird)

So I've made up my mind, and I'm ready for my press release. Since I'm fairly confident that nothing in my life will ever require an actual press release, this is as close as I will get. So let me have my moment. :) After careful deliberation, meditation, contemplation, and one honking pro/con list, I have decided what I'll do after I graduate in December. It's been a decision that has been hibernating inside me for years, rearing its head distinctively two Novembers ago on my second trip to the city. It felt good to be there, I mean really good. And after I left, I experienced a longing that has continued to persist, pulling at my coat sleeve and whispering in my ear, "Come back, and stay awhile." And so I am. In January, I'll move to New York City where I'll find a job, a crappy studio apartment, and hopefully that unidentified thing that I'm looking for. I've decided that if I'm going to be broke, and lonely, and lost, I might as w...