That COVID-19 Life

It's my 21st day and 22nd hour of staying home and social distancing (not that I'm counting or anything). There is so much to write and record and reflect on what's happening, but I'm struggling with how to organize everything swimming in my head. So I'm not going to organize it; I'm just going to type it.

Other than going to a grocery store once for tomatillos and margarita mix, I have not been in a public setting or within 6 feet of another person (other than BD) for 3 weeks. I say this with some pride because it HAS NOT BEEN EASY. I've done the Whole30 cleanse twice, and this is worse. Cheese I can live without, but my friends? I'm not so sure.

At the same time that I'm giving myself a big 'ol pat on the back for staying in and watching Netflix, I'm also thrown into a perpetual cycle of feeling bad, then feeling bad for feeling bad, then feeling worse. I'm having a pity party for myself because social life is cancelled, while at the same time I feel like a garbage person for being ungrateful that I'm even able to stay home and healthy. Hello--mail carriers, truck drivers, doctors, and nurses! All that is asked of me is to stay home, yet I represent myself as a martyr for doing so. But then again if I'm being honest, I really do miss going out to dinner, and I'm sick of washing dishes, and I need a haircut and man-o-man, it's never ending! I'm trying to practice gratitude and exercise creativity to combat this spiral way of thinking, but I'm not so great at that either. To put it mildly--it's a struggle.

So that's what I've been feeling. Here's what I've been doing:

Skiing (well, kinda)

On my last full day of freedom before we realized what extreme solitude lay ahead, I went skiing for the first time. Or rather, I took my first ski lesson. Calling it "skiing" feels a little inaccurate, though I did make it downhill a handful of times semi-successfully. Here are my takeaways:

1. The whole experience reminded of how frustrating it is when your brain conceptually understands what it's supposed to do,  but your body is like "huh??" I haven't felt that kind of disconnect in a while, and that part was not fun.
2. I do think that skiing/snowboarding is probably a great time when you go with friends and hang out with them all day. Although this was not my experience. FOMO filled every inch of my body as I tumbled down bunny hills solo and all my friends spent the day together. Next time I'm bringing another newbie pal.
3. In the end, I'm glad that I went outside of my comfort zone and tried a hard thing on my own. I didn't get hurt or cry (though I wanted to), so I'm calling a win.

[All Colorado ski resorts closed that same night to avoid COVID spread, so who knows the next time I'll nervously clutch ski poles--but it will probably be enough time that I'll have forgotten everything I learned. Le sigh, this is not a real problem.]

Typing for Dr. Winawer

Two months ago, a UPS package arrived on my door containing 146 hand-written pages, the start of a memoir. It was written by a beloved doctor that worked with at Memorial Sloan Kettering. The 80-something-year-old and world-renowned Gastroenterologist had contacted me and asked if I was interested in typing his story, and I couldn't say YES fast enough. When we worked together in New York, Dr. Winawer hand wrote all of his research papers, and I dutifully typed them and submitted them to various medical journals, so I'm familiar with his research, his writing voice, and most importantly, his handwriting. It takes me about 1 hour to type 10 pages, but it's often the best hour of my day reading about his journey in medicine, his youthful love affairs, and his reflections on the choices he's made along the way. I laugh. I cry. I type. I have so much more to say about this project, but I'm behind on my typing and should probably get back to that first.

Working from Home

For the better part of the past 2 years, I have been campaigning to have a more lenient work-from-home arrangement at my job. I consistently meet goals and deadlines, and I've felt that I should have the freedom to decide when it's best to be in the office or when I can get my work done at home. Enter: COVID-19. Ha! Now I can't leave my house if I want to! I am enjoying my new work uniform which consists of a variety of leggings and fleece pullovers, but I'll be honest that it's not all it's cracked up to be. I never thought I'd say it, but I kind of miss my cubicle.

The work I'm doing has also completely shifted thanks to COVID-19. Pre-coronavirus, I spent my days designing training curriculum for physicians and reviewing their documentation. Now, everything I do is related to the coronavirus. I'm included on strings of email exchanges and sent photos of brainstorming sessions on white boards, and it's my [new] job to convert those ideas into something that can be printed out and implemented by providers. The protocols and criteria change sometimes by the hour, so I'm constantly updating job aids and workflows. One on hand, it feels good to be able to help in some tangible, albeit small way, to support the physicians that I respect and work with every day. They are doing the hard work, and I'm glad to be able to give them tools and resources. On the other hand, this shit is stressful! It's hard to walk away from the work at the end of the day because.. well, you know, it's everywhere.

Making Stuff & Doing Stuff

In the past month, I have:

• Made at least 2 dozen turkey sandwiches
• Planted a mini herb garden
• Scrubbed the microwave
• Facetimed, and Zoomed, and Housepartied, and Google-Hung Out with friends and family near and far
• Written a little, but not enough
• Helped B in the kitchen, experimenting with new recipes, but mostly just washing all the dishes when we're done
• Cried out of frustration and fear
• Watched so many Oscar nominated films I had never seen
• Planned a "Mystery Date Night" which consisted of taking virtual tours through art galleries on my computer
• Cleaned out my macbook and saved special photos on a hard drive
• Had so many bad dreams
• Created a Google Doc for getting a dog!
• Taken so many walks around the neighborhood

I don't know how to end this because I don't know how or when this will end....So I'll sign off for now, go brush my teeth, but not put on a bra--because why would I?! I have to take advantage of whatever freedoms still exist these days :)