bird by bird

My mom tells me that when she sees that I have a new post, "it's like sitting down with a warm cup of coffee and piece of chocolate." She prints out my poems and essays and gives them to grandma to read at her kitchen table. They both tell me that I should submit my writing to be published, but who needs the validation of getting published when the two women I admire most in the world already read what I write? They may be my only readers, but they're the only readers I need. Love you both.

On Wednesday night I learned that the world had lost John Prine, that I had lost John Prine, and the familiar feeling of loss once again came out from the shadows. The acuteness of the grief didn't compare to when I lost my dad or my grandpa, but the achiness felt the same. We were out of time and it just didn't feel fair. I remember so vividly listening to John Prine records with my dad--and on high volume. Some of his/our favorites were "Daddy's Little Pumpkin," which I incorrectly interpreted as a sweet song about a girl and her father--and later learned that that he wasn't that kind of daddy! The song "Sam Stone" was about a Vietnam veteran who struggled with addiction, and in my head I would change his line "There's a hole in daddy's arm where all the money goes" to "there's a hole in daddy's heart where all the money goes." It wasn't a song about me, but somehow it felt like a song for me. All of Prine...

What it feels like To be a fly stuck Between a closed window And a window screen Is what it feels like To be me today.

It's my 21st day and 22nd hour of staying home and social distancing (not that I'm counting or anything). There is so much to write and record and reflect on what's happening, but I'm struggling with how to organize everything swimming in my head. So I'm not going to organize it; I'm just going to type it. Other than going to a grocery store once for tomatillos and margarita mix, I have not been in a public setting or within 6 feet of another person (other than BD) for 3 weeks. I say this with some pride because it HAS NOT BEEN EASY. I've done the Whole30 cleanse twice, and this is worse. Cheese I can live without, but my friends? I'm not so sure. At the same time that I'm giving myself a big 'ol pat on the back for staying in and watching Netflix, I'm also thrown into a perpetual cycle of feeling bad, then feeling bad for feeling bad, then feeling worse. I'm having a pity party for myself because social life is cancelled, while at th...