HIRE me to be your.. FRIEND!

My mom and I were driving on I-29 last week, and we were taking about my employment woes. After the usual discussion about applications and networking and cover letters, blah blah blabbedy blah, my mom turned to me and said, "It's too bad that you couldn't get hired to be someone's friend."

I thought, "Ah HA!"

Then we started brainstorming what my CraigsList Ad would look like:  

SUBJECT: 25-year-old female available for full-time friend.

Looking for someone to consult when shopping? To tag along to work, social, or family events? To rush over with ice cream and vodka when you break up with your doushey lover?? Then I'm your friend!
 
I am available for a strictly platonic, full-time friendship in the Tri-State area. $700/wk plus work-related expenses such as dinners, movies, shows, etc. Also, if you could pay for my private health insurance, that would be great (No one wants a sick friend!!!).

In exchange for a generous wage, I will pal around with you 40 hours a week. I'll watch whatever crap you want to watch on TV, I'll tell you if that dress really does make your ass look big, and I'll take care of your dog when you're out of town. I'll comfort you when something shitty happens, and I'll celebrate with you when something amazing happens.

I will remain extremely discrete about our arrangement.

Following six months of the working relationship, I request to be considered for a promotion to best friend. This includes a salary increase, a wardrobe budget, and a fancy vacation.

Can start immediately.
Dependable, loyal, and fun (SO FUN!).
25 years experience.
692 friend references.

Facebook friend me today, and we'll go from there!

I really think I might be on to something.. spread the word!