DEAR DIARY, THE FUTURE FREAKS ME OUT!
TMI ALERT... I'm having a total "Dear Diary" day, but since I don't actually have a diary, I had to blog my stream-of-consciousness thoughts here. In this post I tried to figure out my future and SPOILER ALERT, I didn't .
Read at your own risk.
I've been feeling nostalgic lately. Very nostalgic. TOO nostalgic. And I've been trying to figure out why this is. I'm 25 and I live in New York City. The world, as they say, is my oyster; or at least it should be. But lately instead of making plans for and getting excited about my future, I've been stuck thinking about the past.
This isn't totally a bad thing, I've decided. It means that I have a past worth revisiting. But how am I supposed to start the next chapter of my life if I'm re-reading the last one?? (totally stole that from pinterest!).
I guess the problem isn't really that I think about the past. The problem is that I am completely and totally avoiding my future. And I mean future in the most literal, immediate sense of the word. Like I'm avoiding thinking about tomorrow. I'm avoiding it because I have given up any hope of knowing what it will hold. Will I have a temp job? Maybe/maybe not. Will I get a call back from a real job? Maybe/maybe not. Will I run out of money and have to move home? Maybe/maybe not.
I used to be a plan-maker, a map follower. I used to know what I wanted and then whatever that thing was, I worked toward it. I followed directions and read signs and most of the time I reached my destination. But then life kind of pulled the rug out from under me, and I guess from then on I sort of took the advice to "take one day at a time" to an extreme. Now it's like I'm driving in fog; I'm moving forward slowly, but I have no freaking clue what lays ahead. No matter how hard I look, I just can't see where I should be going. (An overused metaphor, yes, but just so fitting)
LS had a "tough love" kind of chat with me the other day in reference to my refusal to deal with my future. She told me to start small, to think of a few things that I know that I want someday (or don't want) and go from there. Apparently, this whole "dealing with the future" thing doesn't have to be all or nothing. It's ok if I don't know exactly what I want, just if I have a hint.
So here goes.
SOME DAY IN THE FUTURE...
I want to have a dog, a big one and name him Apollo. I want to have a jeep again and get to drive it whenever I want. I want to have the kind of job where I have kick ass co-workers and flexibility and a wear-jeans-on-Fridays policy. I want to know that I'll be able to pay my bills each month. I want to be able to be able to travel, often. I want to live somewhere where I can paint my walls and where I don't have to worry about running out of bookshelf space. Eventually, I think I want to have a family. A husband who is fun and kind and kids who are weird and polite. I want to do yard work every spring and fall. I want time and space and motivation to write. I want to be close to all the people that I love.
Really, I just want to be happy.
Now how do you suppose I go about doing that? What should I be doing.. today?
Read at your own risk.
I've been feeling nostalgic lately. Very nostalgic. TOO nostalgic. And I've been trying to figure out why this is. I'm 25 and I live in New York City. The world, as they say, is my oyster; or at least it should be. But lately instead of making plans for and getting excited about my future, I've been stuck thinking about the past.
This isn't totally a bad thing, I've decided. It means that I have a past worth revisiting. But how am I supposed to start the next chapter of my life if I'm re-reading the last one?? (totally stole that from pinterest!).
I guess the problem isn't really that I think about the past. The problem is that I am completely and totally avoiding my future. And I mean future in the most literal, immediate sense of the word. Like I'm avoiding thinking about tomorrow. I'm avoiding it because I have given up any hope of knowing what it will hold. Will I have a temp job? Maybe/maybe not. Will I get a call back from a real job? Maybe/maybe not. Will I run out of money and have to move home? Maybe/maybe not.
I used to be a plan-maker, a map follower. I used to know what I wanted and then whatever that thing was, I worked toward it. I followed directions and read signs and most of the time I reached my destination. But then life kind of pulled the rug out from under me, and I guess from then on I sort of took the advice to "take one day at a time" to an extreme. Now it's like I'm driving in fog; I'm moving forward slowly, but I have no freaking clue what lays ahead. No matter how hard I look, I just can't see where I should be going. (An overused metaphor, yes, but just so fitting)
LS had a "tough love" kind of chat with me the other day in reference to my refusal to deal with my future. She told me to start small, to think of a few things that I know that I want someday (or don't want) and go from there. Apparently, this whole "dealing with the future" thing doesn't have to be all or nothing. It's ok if I don't know exactly what I want, just if I have a hint.
So here goes.
SOME DAY IN THE FUTURE...
I want to have a dog, a big one and name him Apollo. I want to have a jeep again and get to drive it whenever I want. I want to have the kind of job where I have kick ass co-workers and flexibility and a wear-jeans-on-Fridays policy. I want to know that I'll be able to pay my bills each month. I want to be able to be able to travel, often. I want to live somewhere where I can paint my walls and where I don't have to worry about running out of bookshelf space. Eventually, I think I want to have a family. A husband who is fun and kind and kids who are weird and polite. I want to do yard work every spring and fall. I want time and space and motivation to write. I want to be close to all the people that I love.
Really, I just want to be happy.
Now how do you suppose I go about doing that? What should I be doing.. today?
Loved this.
ReplyDeleteJust keep taking notes and you'll be on the right track.
Dakota Forever.