Note to Self: Don't Get Attached
When it comes to relationships, I've always been a clinger. But not in the way that you're thinking.
I don't mean to say that I'm one of those needy co-dependent girlfriend-types because I just did a quick 30-second evaluation of my life, and yeah, I'm definitely not one of those. But when it comes to platonic relationships, I'm in it to win it. Ever since I was a kid, if I became friends with someone, I stayed friends with that someone. I was like a friend fungi, or an infection; I grow on people and I'm pretty hard to get rid of. I've always been sort of proud of this about myself; I care about my relationships with people, and I'm dedicated to making them last. *straightens up proudly in her chair*
Until recently.
I'm not sure if it's because of my transitory life since moving to New York City or the result of several life experiences in the past couple of years that have taken away people that I love and placed them out of my reach, but this "clingy-ness" that has been such a big part of me is becoming less so.
Don't get me wrong; if you're already my friend, you have nothing to worry about. You have been grandfathered in and can rest assured that I'm going to continue to force you to be my friend. But now when I meet new people, as I'm shaking their hand and saying, "It's so nice to meet you," I'm secretly thinking in my head, "yeah right, like I'll ever see you again.." Some fancy psychologist might try to convince me that this a defense mechanism so I don't have such a hard time saying goodbye to people when they leave me. But I think that it's probably just that I'm becoming dead inside.
Case in point:
As an ESL teacher last spring/summer, students were constantly joining and leaving classes (and/or the country), and I was constantly being re-assigned to new classes. I took a couple hard hits when having to say goodbye unexpectedly when I was given 12 hours notice that I would be leaving my favorite class after 4 months of experiencing my favorite teaching moments to date. It was hard news to break to my students, too, and afterward I went home, called my mom and cried. I was upset for days.
Then there was the way that my nanny job ended semi-unexpectedly (2 weeks before I thought I would finish), I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to the other nannies, teachers, and kids that I had formed relationships with for the previous 6 months. This hit me hard at first, but by the next morning, I was over it, forcing myself to think of the future instead of thinking about the people I was leaving behind (especially baby JT). My bounce-back time had significantly decreased.
And now that I'm temping, I'm having a great time meeting new people and bonding over office shenanigans and my relentless questions about company protocol but at the end of the temp assignment, I leave those people without ever even learning their last names. I walk out the office building door the same way that I had walked in it just days before: completely unattached.
The old Amanda, the 20 year old version of myself would have been exchanging contact information, sending follow up messages to meet up for coffee, but that was before I taught myself not to get too attached. Now I meet cool people at parties and bars, at temp jobs and nanny play dates and at the end of our time together, I know that there is a 95% percent chance that I will never again see these people again. And the scary thing is, I'm totally OK with it.
See? I am dead inside.
I don't mean to say that I'm one of those needy co-dependent girlfriend-types because I just did a quick 30-second evaluation of my life, and yeah, I'm definitely not one of those. But when it comes to platonic relationships, I'm in it to win it. Ever since I was a kid, if I became friends with someone, I stayed friends with that someone. I was like a friend fungi, or an infection; I grow on people and I'm pretty hard to get rid of. I've always been sort of proud of this about myself; I care about my relationships with people, and I'm dedicated to making them last. *straightens up proudly in her chair*
Until recently.
I'm not sure if it's because of my transitory life since moving to New York City or the result of several life experiences in the past couple of years that have taken away people that I love and placed them out of my reach, but this "clingy-ness" that has been such a big part of me is becoming less so.
Don't get me wrong; if you're already my friend, you have nothing to worry about. You have been grandfathered in and can rest assured that I'm going to continue to force you to be my friend. But now when I meet new people, as I'm shaking their hand and saying, "It's so nice to meet you," I'm secretly thinking in my head, "yeah right, like I'll ever see you again.." Some fancy psychologist might try to convince me that this a defense mechanism so I don't have such a hard time saying goodbye to people when they leave me. But I think that it's probably just that I'm becoming dead inside.
Case in point:
As an ESL teacher last spring/summer, students were constantly joining and leaving classes (and/or the country), and I was constantly being re-assigned to new classes. I took a couple hard hits when having to say goodbye unexpectedly when I was given 12 hours notice that I would be leaving my favorite class after 4 months of experiencing my favorite teaching moments to date. It was hard news to break to my students, too, and afterward I went home, called my mom and cried. I was upset for days.
Then there was the way that my nanny job ended semi-unexpectedly (2 weeks before I thought I would finish), I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to the other nannies, teachers, and kids that I had formed relationships with for the previous 6 months. This hit me hard at first, but by the next morning, I was over it, forcing myself to think of the future instead of thinking about the people I was leaving behind (especially baby JT). My bounce-back time had significantly decreased.
And now that I'm temping, I'm having a great time meeting new people and bonding over office shenanigans and my relentless questions about company protocol but at the end of the temp assignment, I leave those people without ever even learning their last names. I walk out the office building door the same way that I had walked in it just days before: completely unattached.
The old Amanda, the 20 year old version of myself would have been exchanging contact information, sending follow up messages to meet up for coffee, but that was before I taught myself not to get too attached. Now I meet cool people at parties and bars, at temp jobs and nanny play dates and at the end of our time together, I know that there is a 95% percent chance that I will never again see these people again. And the scary thing is, I'm totally OK with it.
See? I am dead inside.
Girl, you need some Rocky Mountain high
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